Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Where do I turn for peace?

Compared to the tragic and unspeakable tragedy and heartbreaks that some other people are going through right now I really don't have any reason to be feeling the way I do right now. But this is my diary and what not, my blog and I'll write what I want to.

I had one of those mornings where I literally jumped out of bed at 4am. Fear absolutely overtaking me. I ripped apart my house and my car. I drove to work (they were shocked to see me in my pjs) and searched everywhere frantically. All while crying and fearing the absolute worst.

I didn't notice this for a few days because everything is normally in it's proper place. My car is very clean so items missing is not something I would be alerted to.

My car must have a some point been unlocked and my GPS, Ipod, and work computer were all stolen. The fear that I have was for my work computer. It's password locked and a really crappy computer, but it's my responsibility. I dropped the ball, big time. Sure I'm upset that my pristine Ipod is gone, I hated my TomTom GPS and now have an excuse to get a Garmin. But it's the worry that I have failed at my job, that I could get into serious trouble.

I woke up at 4am and after tornadoing around and realizing it was gone I sat in my bed. Not able to sleep, not even able to lay down. Absolute panic and tears running down my face. All this time with a prayer in my heart.... to find it. Then I realized I was praying for the wrong thing, and I needed to pray for peace. After doing this I start looking at pictures on my phone. It's a modpodge of moments. Time is AZ, time with friends, pictures of my kids silly faces. This is when I felt peace. All of the amazing and beautiful parts of my life that were not going to change from my moment of stupidity. And then I looked at some pictures that made me cry for an entirely different reason. They are proof that through all of my mistakes, my efforts are more important. That I must be doing something right.

5 guys is my favorite burger (no In N Out in CO) with my favorite girl

Birthday dinner with a man who is learning how to deal with my panic moments. It's a lot of work, but we're both trying

Two fluffy, mischievous, but loving puppies. Who are starting to learn their training

A little boy who has wanted to hold my hand all day

But the most peace I was given was from seeing evidence that my daughter has chosen to be baptized. She is so excited and talks about it constantly. She is growing up and becoming such a beautiful person. These pictures remind me that I get to have this precious girl with me for an eternity. And how could something so small as a computer compare to having her forever?

These pictures are the ones that are not on her invitations. I'll have to have a post with all of her amazing pictures.

This is where I find peace. I find love, I find hope. This one little girl who changed my entire life. She made me a Mom, she made me a fighter, she made me strong, she made me know real love.

Something good.... since I was up since 4am, I had time to make a yummy pancake breakfast with fresh fruit and juice. Syd really loved it


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