Monday, September 12, 2011

I love to see you smile

You know there's something that I've been told by a counselor that I've seen that I strongly disagree with. It's that as humans we need other humans.

That's something I completely shudder at the thought from. I have in the past 2 1/2 years have prided myself that I did not need anyone. People came and went and I would just continue on my path. My children were my constant, I didn't need any more.

I don't exactly like showing myself as vulnerable, in fact I hate it. But I'm trying to find the calm, move on and that includes honestly speaking about pain. I've mentioned divorce before, which is something that never seems to get better. But I've lost more than him, and for some reason today I miss her more.

She was closer than my sister, and I've known her longer than my sisters. We share the most similar minds. Which is probably why we have the same fight over and over. As we've gotten older and started our own families our fights have become more hurtful. And I've ranged from furious to hurt to uncaring.

What I wish desperately is that I could know all the little details about her baby. I felt like she was my first biological niece. And I've cried knowing I won't get to watch her grow up. That's just another loss I've had.

But because I have this base and this pain I can admit that I NEED people. I need friendships with people who I feel like my sisters. I need people around me who I can tell all the worst thoughts in my mind and they understand. I need the people who know everything and still love me.

I accept that there are people I love who I have lost. I can miss them and remember the happy moments. I can feel peace about it.

If I could tell her something and the reason that I've been thinking about this.... I saw a picture of her and the most beautiful baby. And I want her to know that I've never seen her smile and be so happy. And that makes me feel so much peace.

That, and I wish I could send her an invitation to Sydnee's baptism.

Always love you Liss

Something good... My sister Klair is pregnant and due in 7 months!

No comments:

Post a Comment