Down for maintenance

I need a project. Something I can devote myself to and focus on. For so long it was school, but I graduated. I keep focusing on the kids but they look at me like I need to get out of their faces. My house is clean, organized, there is nothing to do.

I need a hobby, I need to accomplish something. Keep my mind busy.

Also, I need to not be asked to make decisions. I have no brain power to decide where to go to dinner or even what shoes I should get for Becks. My decision making ability has temporarily been shut down, I wish I could say for maintenance, but I think it's for severe dysfunction for who knows how long? Maybe it's not even temporary. Maybe it's gone, from here on out I won't be able to decide whether or not to get a new stereo for the car? The radio drives me insane, but having to choose a stereo to install is beyond my capabilities.

So apparently, I need a hobby and I need someone else to tell me what it should be.


Something good.... I got new buttons for my car's AC. They had broken off years go and I got sick of looking at the metal. $15 later, new buttons!
K

Time Travel

I reread kandthekids from time to time. I remind myself how far I've come, what I've gone through. While it always makes me cry to remember that time, I cherish that I recorded those moments. They help and inspire me. I forced myself to do that, everyday for a very long time, I forced myself to record how I was doing. I guess I'm forcing again.

I'm here in the current, home quiet, peace surrounded, yet I'm also living 2 years ago. Two children, in my home, all alone. I enjoy being alone and at the same time I hate it. There is a different dog trying to get my attention, the children are older, I'm ordering the same pizza dinner, so much is different but a lot of this feels so familiar.

I woke up today fighting tears, going to go home and see the evidence of one less person. Feel the loss of someone who takes more pieces of me than they realize. I had to come home and clean again. My home is more organized and clean than it has been in years, all the laundry done, dishes, kitchen, beds made... I have to create order and peace when I feel internally out of control. Right now all I feel is loss, I feel scared of what's ahead, and I'm trying to just live in this moment. Not travel to moments past, not jump forward to the next. Mourn now, mourn the hopes, the plans, the broken promises. Just be allowed to grieve.


Something good... Whole Foods has a fire roasted salsa that's just as good as any restaurant!
K

This might be the 3rd or 4th draft of this in the past few weeks. It also might not ever be posted as well.

Ryan packed boxes tonight. I wasn't home to watch but considering it's been planned out, I know it happened. On Saturday he should be completely moved out.

I have no real complete thoughts, I can't even explain it to my children completely. I can't bear the thought of telling my family or friends. I don't want hugs, I don't want concern right now. I want to be alone. I want to be angry alone, cry alone, feel like all my hopes are smashed all alone.

My absolute best friend. How ever in the world could I lose in a relationship with someone I thought I knew and trusted? Trusted enough to call "Daddy" to my children, who've already lost so much. I get to now tell them just kidding, don't get too attached, he's leaving too.

You (and I) would think I've been through this before, I know what to do, and what I'm going to go through. True, which is why inside I am screaming. Screaming at photographs that play on a slide show on my computer, screaming at the ring which to me contained all my hope for a happy family, screaming inside at all the people who I love who have a partner.

I have been through this and I know the regret. I know what feeling like half of yourself is missing is. I know being the only one that two small children look to. I know stubbing your toe, getting the stomach flu, or hearing your child say something adorable and not having anyone there. I fought against this for so long, counseling three weeks after we were married. Seperated at least 3 times in 18 months. And yet, I'm still crying. Still completely heartbroken.

This is it, Come What May...
K

Mini me

I refuse to wear white socks, and think that mating my socks is a waste of time. Most people don't notice my mismatched feet. But today Sassy walked through the living room with her own mismatched accessories. She's definitely my girl!
K

iPhone Randomness

Just to have these pics saved and clean up my phone a little, here's my life as captured by my phone

Right before I dyed my hair, Sydnee and I at Rosie's diner

Cute Sass, we had a Mommy and kiddo date and she got herself dressed complete with jewelry, purse and my old phone. She was so cute!

My Daisy girl is so big! She turned 1 last month

If Mom won't do your hair in a Mohawk every day the next best thing is a beenie

So sweet, she fell asleep while praying

3D glasses stolen from a movie with Nana

He's already too cool for me

My friend Bev always gives me handmedowns for Becks. This last time there was a treasure trove of costumes. This Batman is amazing!! Beckham's preschool is having a superhero Valentines party tomorrow since his class only has boys. I texted my Mom tonight to tell her his costume was in his backpack and she responded "No, it's on his body"

Going through baby stuff for Jessie. I have many pictures of Becks as a baby in this bumbo

While going through the baby clothes from Lisa there was this oh so pretty hat, I thought Becks would be so lovely. I had to carry him around restraining his arms, he would've been a pretty Ellie (what would've been his girl name)

Daisy, don't give me that look, you whined until I let you out

There are some wacky outfits this kid comes up with

Registering for Kindergarten

Lemonade girl

Becks and Krystal's son Logan. Best buddies that one will drive and the other do the pedals

If my son smiles for a picture, he next wants a silly face picture and then needs to see it instantly

Sometimes when I work too much I have literally ZERO memory of a picture even taking place

I was having a good hair day

Valentines, I let Beckham decorate one all by himself for his teacher

Valentines are all done, time to party!

Something good... Beckham wrote his name all by himself on his Valentines. Sometimes his c becomes a second e, but I think BEEKHAM is still a cute name!

K

Brrr

AZ,

I'm missing you quite a bit right now... Can I come home?
K

Miss my camera

Normally every year I send out Valentines pictures of the kids. Realizing that about now I should be editing cute pictures of my kids makes me sad over my camera.

This little girly is now walking and talking, Lisa's baby girl Morgan. We took pictures of her adorableness every month during Lisa's pregnancy, and after her birth. These were some of my favorites. Lisa and I would plan out pictures for months and search to find props. Morgan's room is decorated like this, very pink and French inspired. What I love is that the shoes in the picture below are Lisa's wedding shoes. And the sunglasses are Sydnee's, she saw what we were doing and ran and grabbed them from her room.

This picture makes me want a baby!! Good thing I have a Morgan to cuddle, and my niece Jessie is due in a few months

Something good.... Sydnee was recommended by her teacher to join a class through the college for gifted students.
K

Lemonade

These pictures have been taking me hours to upload.... So there might not be much of a story since I'm slightly frustrated with blogger right now.

My beloved camera was broken a few weeks ago. My Dad bought it for me when I was pregnant with Beckham. It's been my constant companion and I already really miss it. I'm hoping to get a new and better one soon, but seeing as the one I want is $2,000 without any lenses, it might be awhile. So the only reason I have these pictures is because I had to sweet talk my Dad into bringing his camera.

I don't remember my school doing many plays or productions, but Sydnee's school has had a musical every year. I really LOVE seeing them, it brings a huge, almost hurts my cheeks, smile to my face. This year the 2nd graders did a musical called Lemonade. My music obsessed daughter has been singing the songs OVER and over for the past few weeks. It was a play about Mother Goose teaching all the fairy tale characters to take lemons (such as a wolf blowing down your house) and making lemonade.

Sydnee was part of the chorus. She had to wear white and black with accents of yellow. I took her shopping last weekend to find her a special outfit since she was sad that they assigned the roles when we were out of town. That shopping trip was a glimpse into the future of a teenage Sassy, not liking any outfits, hating all the possible accessories, and just being grumpy and wanting to go eat. Heaven help me...

But finally she was all smiles for her production.

Again a glimpse of the future, trying to get her to look at me and she's obsessed with the phone.

Sydnee and PopPop. PopPop is kinda a weird name for Grandpa but literally when Sydnee was 1 year old it was her pronunciation of Grandpa, so the name stuck. First grandchild gets to choose the name

She has not been a huge fan of pictures lately, I've had to beg and tickle and threaten and beg some more and still she sometimes won't smile

I can't seem to go anywhere without Beckham NEEDING to sit on my lap the entire time. And of course he has to wiggle while I'm trying to take pictures.

The songs had a lot of moments where they have to pretend to have different emotions. Sydnee cracked me up! She has a perfect sad, angry, distressed face.

So notice how my child is on the back row? I've noticed that this has been the case for all 3 of her school musicals. Then looking at it we noticed that they place the kids by height. My barely 5' 2" self seems to have a tall daughter. I'm praying she stays that way, I was told I was too short to play volleyball. All of her uncles are over 6ft so lets hope she got those genes.

She had a little quartet for one of the songs. My dad took a video and maybe someday I'll actually post it. Again, my daughter is much taller than all the other girls, makes me proud! Actually while I was with my sister Klair last weekend and couldn't reach something she made a comment about me needing to go back and join my lollipop guild... hopefully stinky Aunt Klair won't be able to be so mean to Sydnee

After the show Sydnee searched to find her music teacher Mrs. V and give her a picture she drew. It was really cute, she's really thoughtful that way. 

I had to go to work right after her concert was over but everyone who came first went to Village Inn for pie. Sydnee's lactose intolerance has been really making her sick lately so we're having to avoid any kind of dairy which makes her really sad. She was upset about not getting frozen yogurt until she saw there was Oreo pie. Syd's had to miss multiple days from school this year due to her being sick. I've asked the dr so many times and kinda gotten into a routine of when she needs medicine and me having to restrict her diet, but it's not working anymore. I'm thinking it might be time to get her into a GI doctor again and see what really is going on with her.

PopPop, Uncle Jayk, Aunt Kadi, Beckham, Sydnee, Ryan, Koren



Something good...I got Beckham enrolled for Kindergarten! I teared up having to sign all the papers, and I'm really struggling with him growing up, but he's really excited to "go to Sydnee's school all day!"

K

I'm going to be that Mom

First I need to document that sometimes I don't know where exactly Sydnee gets some of her traits from? She has been waking up EARLY! A few days ago she was awake at 4:30am making her lunch. Ryan told her to go back to sleep but she stayed up and watched Tangled. Last night she asked if I would wake her up at 6am because she doesn't want to sleep until 7:15. What is up with this child? I literally like working nights because I loathe waking up at 5am to work a day shift. But she also asked today if she could stay home from school so she could clean the house and when I woke up she was doing the dishes.... She's an amazing kid!

Every morning when I drop Sass off for school we wave, blow kisses and hold up the 'I love you' sign. Today she said she didn't want to do that because she thinks her friends are watching her. I gave her a sideways look and said "Okay, but don't you love us?" She got out of the car and kinda half waved, I rolled down my window and screamed "I LOVE YOU SYDNEE!!!" which Beckham then parroted. She might have ducked her head and turned a few shades red.

I'm going to be that Mom who kisses their child on the first day of high school in front of everybody!

Something good.... I took Beckham to pick up breakfast and the lady in front of me paid for my order and had them tell me to have a good day! That's been making me smile all morning, and now I need to pay it forward and make someone else smile.
K