Friday, February 24, 2012

This might be the 3rd or 4th draft of this in the past few weeks. It also might not ever be posted as well.

Ryan packed boxes tonight. I wasn't home to watch but considering it's been planned out, I know it happened. On Saturday he should be completely moved out.

I have no real complete thoughts, I can't even explain it to my children completely. I can't bear the thought of telling my family or friends. I don't want hugs, I don't want concern right now. I want to be alone. I want to be angry alone, cry alone, feel like all my hopes are smashed all alone.

My absolute best friend. How ever in the world could I lose in a relationship with someone I thought I knew and trusted? Trusted enough to call "Daddy" to my children, who've already lost so much. I get to now tell them just kidding, don't get too attached, he's leaving too.

You (and I) would think I've been through this before, I know what to do, and what I'm going to go through. True, which is why inside I am screaming. Screaming at photographs that play on a slide show on my computer, screaming at the ring which to me contained all my hope for a happy family, screaming inside at all the people who I love who have a partner.

I have been through this and I know the regret. I know what feeling like half of yourself is missing is. I know being the only one that two small children look to. I know stubbing your toe, getting the stomach flu, or hearing your child say something adorable and not having anyone there. I fought against this for so long, counseling three weeks after we were married. Seperated at least 3 times in 18 months. And yet, I'm still crying. Still completely heartbroken.

This is it, Come What May...


  1. So sad to read this tonight. I'm so very sorry. I know sometimes it's hard to tell if it's killing you or making you stronger. Wish there was something I could say or do. You are so beautiful and deserve so much beauty and love.