This might be the 3rd or 4th draft of this in the past few weeks. It also might not ever be posted as well.
Ryan packed boxes tonight. I wasn't home to watch but considering it's been planned out, I know it happened. On Saturday he should be completely moved out.
I have no real complete thoughts, I can't even explain it to my children completely. I can't bear the thought of telling my family or friends. I don't want hugs, I don't want concern right now. I want to be alone. I want to be angry alone, cry alone, feel like all my hopes are smashed all alone.
My absolute best friend. How ever in the world could I lose in a relationship with someone I thought I knew and trusted? Trusted enough to call "Daddy" to my children, who've already lost so much. I get to now tell them just kidding, don't get too attached, he's leaving too.
You (and I) would think I've been through this before, I know what to do, and what I'm going to go through. True, which is why inside I am screaming. Screaming at photographs that play on a slide show on my computer, screaming at the ring which to me contained all my hope for a happy family, screaming inside at all the people who I love who have a partner.
I have been through this and I know the regret. I know what feeling like half of yourself is missing is. I know being the only one that two small children look to. I know stubbing your toe, getting the stomach flu, or hearing your child say something adorable and not having anyone there. I fought against this for so long, counseling three weeks after we were married. Seperated at least 3 times in 18 months. And yet, I'm still crying. Still completely heartbroken.
This is it, Come What May...