I reread kandthekids from time to time. I remind myself how far I've come, what I've gone through. While it always makes me cry to remember that time, I cherish that I recorded those moments. They help and inspire me. I forced myself to do that, everyday for a very long time, I forced myself to record how I was doing. I guess I'm forcing again.
I'm here in the current, home quiet, peace surrounded, yet I'm also living 2 years ago. Two children, in my home, all alone. I enjoy being alone and at the same time I hate it. There is a different dog trying to get my attention, the children are older, I'm ordering the same pizza dinner, so much is different but a lot of this feels so familiar.
I woke up today fighting tears, going to go home and see the evidence of one less person. Feel the loss of someone who takes more pieces of me than they realize. I had to come home and clean again. My home is more organized and clean than it has been in years, all the laundry done, dishes, kitchen, beds made... I have to create order and peace when I feel internally out of control. Right now all I feel is loss, I feel scared of what's ahead, and I'm trying to just live in this moment. Not travel to moments past, not jump forward to the next. Mourn now, mourn the hopes, the plans, the broken promises. Just be allowed to grieve.
Something good... Whole Foods has a fire roasted salsa that's just as good as any restaurant!