Friday, March 2, 2012

Stage face

There is an unspoken rule, if you're going to see someone you don't want to see, you look your very best. So what if that is the whole world? What if I don't want to see anyone? I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for a few months. But apparently I'm still a good Mommy, a responsible working Mommy. So every morning I get up and keep marching on. I make sure my hair is done, make up, actually put on REAL clothes.... It's all a facade, I look like this

I feel like this.

I really want to scream and yell! WHY?!?! Why this, AGAIN? Do you not realize I'm not healed yet and now I have more wounds. But this time it's added that Becks is affected. My always ALWAYS happy little boy is over-emotional. Crying at school, crying because he needed to put pants on. Very unusual for his sunny little personality. And it breaks my heart. It's to put me through this, to lie and treat me that way, I will be able to survive eventually, but you knowingly dragged my CHILDREN into it. My babies who you KNEW how very hard I had worked to protect them and keep them happy. They deserved better. I'm sure intentions were noble, but the actions and persona portrayed were not. And yet I'm still sad. The slide show on my computer shows pictures of a happy bride, filled with hope. That her largest trial and suffering were over, she was getting to complete her family, she was getting a partner. She was 3 weeks later going to lose that smile once she realized the truth and replace it with determination to work to bring that dream back. On Valentine's Day, while making an effort to do something nice, she finally lost her determination. She lost her drive and hope.

I want a complete family, I am not any different than most girls. I want a husband who is my partner, who's hot, and loves me, and always takes out the trash, who treats our children well, won't mind if we listen to musicals in the car, will love my through my crazy moments....I want a marriage that is eternal.
I want children, I have felt for almost 2 years that I have more children waiting for me. Sorry kiddos, Mommy's kinda busy right now, but she's been trying. I want family vacations. I want to be safe, I want to trust my partner, I want peace in my home, I want to be adored and not called names.

I am by no way guiltless in this situation, I admit and accept my every part. But as sad as I am, I can hold my head up. I can feel proud of myself. I've chosen not to regret anymore. I will look at that bride with tears of happy memories, and let her know it's time to keep marching on.

Something good....My Mom has been really supportive when I really need it. Just calling to check how I am, taking the kids so I can sleep before work, just helping and taking care of me. Love you Mom.

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