Friday, March 2, 2012

I cry when I'm angry

I've been crying a lot. Hurt, scared, having absolute moments of panic. This isn't my first rodeo, we all know I've been here before. I had 3 specific friends (4 for a little while) that I turned to.

Krystal pulled me through school. She is the reason I graduated and I am a nurse now. She always demands that I can do my best. She's the friend when I need to go have fun and forget whatever is hurting me. She always takes time to be there if I need her. She never ever judges my bad behavior and is just supportive of me.

Lisa is my cheerleader through every moment. Our late night talking sessions in her front room is where I've decided some major life decisions. She brought me a Mother's Day gift the first year after Rex was gone. She will go out of her way and do anything for me. Everyone deserves a Lisa in their life. I called her every night, every single night. And each weekend it was an assumed what are WE going to do (including her hubby and kids) I can't even count the number of times I was a 3rd wheel on her and hubby dates, but they always welcomed me, always talked to me. She was heaven sent to be my angel to get me through.

Over the phone I had a best friend who always knew when I needed to talk. We used to joke that he must have a camera installed watching me because the moments when I would lose it and start sobbing immediately my phone would ring and it would be him. I would spend hours talking with him, he's who I turned to to remind myself there were still things like movies and a world outside my pain. I trusted him over any other guy, I would spend all of my time with him when I was in AZ. He was easy going, he was supportive, he made me laugh. We were friends, truly honestly only friends. And I cherished him, cherished that friend. I turned to him when I needed someone to remind me that I was still young, I was still going to have a life. He talked me through asking out my first guy, he made my dream come true by taking me to Wicked, he was always there for me. Not everyone gets the friend who truly loves and adores you without needing reciprocation like we felt for each other. I miss him desperately.

Desperately, unable to breathe I am so angry and crying. Where did he go? I see no signs of my friend. I knew things were going to be difficult for us. I still wasn't over R and that was always a big problem we had to deal with. But I had faith, I had hope that this best friend who was always so understanding and who I trusted more than any other person would hold my hand and we would go through life together. Our beautiful, treasured friendship just multiplied.

I stand with my hand empty, with no sign of my friend.

Something good....Sometimes I want to punch this "something good" thing right in the face! Ummm... since Kona (dog) was taken, my dog Daisy has been more calm and affectionate.

1 comment:

  1. I am so so so sorry Koren. Wish I could say or do something to make things better. I hope those beautiful kids of yours put a smile on your face every day!