Friday, March 16, 2012

Blvd of broken dreams

I went to see the musical American Idiot last week. There is something about seeing a show that really makes me giddy and happy for the night, I ALWAYS say afterward I'm going to make more of a priority to go to shows but it doesn't happen the way I plan. I'll do a post on that night hopefully soon, but basically it's song stuck in my head which is fitting for a post title.

I have small breakthroughs, little moments where I realize or decide something which fuels me to keep going. Today it was that I need to live, I need to stop crying and freaking out, reanalyzing and questioning what has happened in the past few years. This is my life, this is what it is and I really need to start only going forward. And I need to stop feeling so guilty for my life. It doesn't fit the idea in my head of what I should be doing. Or more the idea I have of what church, family and friends think I should be doing. So if it doesn't make ME happy, maybe the idea is happy, it's still not right for me. Same for something I may like, maybe I don't think other people will like it so I don't it. Again, this is my life and it's time to stop feeling so sorry for my position and start doing what does make me happy.

That and my poor body needs a break. I'm fairly sure I've given myself an ulcer. I've had a headache that nothing seems to touch, and my hands started breaking into hives. I'm fairly sure that soon my hair is going to fall out... I need to stop punishing myself mentally to a point where physically it's showing.

This is what happened, this is what it is. I can't change the immediate situation, I can't even completely change my feelings, but I can change how I'm reacting. So if I have a sad moment, I'll have it, possibly vent on my blog and then make sure it doesn't affect the rest of my day. I have two important people that need me at my best, I have some exciting (and scary for me) things coming up I need to focus on, I need me ready to work, to be happy and feel productive again.

Genuine smile and happy night!

Something good... I found a huge pirate rug for Becks' room for only $20! Good times

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