Tuesday, April 12, 2011

When you see my face

It's been 8 years.

I don't remember all of the details of the day and I have very few pictures. But every year I would celebrate the day and think I was the luckiest girl in the world for what had happened.

Now I dread it, loathe it, and freak out at even the thought of April 12th

Rex and I were married on April 12th

For 6 years we were married, we had two children, moved 3 times (once to another state) spent 4 years with me in school, had 6 jobs between the 2 of us, went on a cruise, to San Diego, spent a million moments being a happy family

Or so my delusional mind convinced me we were a happy family.

My life was a lie, my world wasn't real. And April 12th just became the representation of how much that world collapsing broke me. It left me alone, with a house, with a 5 year old daughter who was just as hurt as I was, a 2 year old son who began to call all men "Daddy", with a year left in school, with ALL of the debt, ruined credit, the inability to speak, the inability to trust, and the realization that a wound like this would affect me every day for the rest of my life. But it's only a scar that I feel, others don't see the limp and the lingering affects.

He drove away in a brand new red sports car, with my entire movie collection.

I am remarried, to a man who adores me and the kids. He was my friend for a lot of those moments. He's the one I called when I couldn't figure out how to turn on a movie for Becks the day he left, when Beckham only wanted to watch Thomas. He attended Sydnee's kindergarten graduation where her teacher teared up and explained that Sydnee had become happier since Ryan had come around. Who understands that healing didn't just happen the moment the judge in the court room told me I was better off.

I try to mostly focus on my current life, my job, my amazing kids, my work in progress marriage, my great friends, my crazy family

But on April 12th I let myself hurt, I let myself cry. I look at pictures, I talk about him, I even warn him that I am mad, when he tries to be friendly. I listen to angry songs (I have an itunes playlist called "feeling sorry for myself")

I let all the pain out on April 12th, and then on April 13th I hug my children, take a hold of my husband's hand and start breathing again.

Something good....to be continued tomorrow

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you posted this because I was a bit confused from yesterdays post. I'm sorry we aren't close enough yet for me to have already known. Life is never perfect and I've learned that even when people's lives look perfect they nearly never are. I know you have a wonderful circle of supportive people and I hope that you know I'll be one of them if you need me. It's all about one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. Everyone struggling lives that way (including me!) and I think you've figured that out, too. That feeling sorry for yourself playlist sounds like a great idea :) Hugs!