Monday, April 11, 2011


When is bad behavior ever considered allowable?

What exactly has to happen to a person for them to be given a moment when they can let their inner brat come out? And is there a time line? Is it if someone does something horrid to you, you may slap them within the next 20 seconds? ORRRRR..... can it be 2 years later and then you unleash the beast?

I belong to a world of Mormon Mommy's. A world where I try to belong and completely believe in and love my church. But sometimes the weight of being "good" all the time when I want to scream just starts to become too much. And sadly when a situation becomes too much and I don't do something I lose my ability to speak (if you don't know the back story, oh well I don't have time to explain it all)

This Mormon blogging world stresses being in desperately love with your hubby, having adorable children with whom you make crafts or cookies everyday, and the uncanny ability for amazing photography. I'm NOT saying I don't envy and strive to fit in to this world. I just sometimes don't. Maybe I grew up different? Nah, totally Mormon fam in Mesa, AZ. Maybe the whole situation that led to my liver failure? I don't know, I've had a lot of hours intense therapy for that (wow I sound crazy) Maybe it's being the "victim" for 10 years? But I got out of that situation....

Whatever it's just me, all the reasons, all the events have led to me wanting one moment to act like a complete brat! To selfishly say all the things I think and lock up. To scream out loud.

And the thought that since I "fixed/replaced/improved/healed...." I am no longer allowed to be angry, to be heartbroken, to even pretend like that person existed.

Tomorrow is April 12, last week was April 1,2 and 3 and in a few weeks it will be Easter. I dread the month of April, I shake even thinking about it and seeing the Easter decorations come out in March. The 12th is the worst, and every previous year I have spent this day hiding and crying by myself. Well, maybe it's growth or just desperation but tomorrow I might let my anger fly. I'll probably still cry, but there might be some relief.

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