Krystal

It's slightly more that interesting after this past week and the feelings I've had lately that one of my best friends Krystal is going through a divorce.

It's like being able to watch yourself from the outside, you already know the ending. All of the things she says is a deja vu to hearing myself from 2 years ago. She says that too, since she was by my side throughout my hell.

Krystal and I met in Nursing school. Actually we were in a pre-req Math class together but we didn't talk. We both worked for Memorial Hospital so we had seen each other around so when classes started we just instantly clung to the only other person we knew. What was completely amazing was that we are so similar in our personalities. Which is quite a rarity to find a friend who has the same sick and twisted sense of humor that I do.


I have to credit Krystal with honestly getting me through Nursing School. She was more that my study buddy, she completely pushed me through it. There are so many tests that I know I would've failed if she hadn't drilled the information into my head. I couldn't even focus on my world falling apart all around me, so she made sure that at least I was learning what I needed for school. There literally was a moment when she yelled "If you don't focus you are going to FAIL!"
I owe her my degree


We were lucky enough (or my school just was really gullible) that we were put into the same clinical group for our last semester in school. AND our instructor kept us together on the same floor! Seriously, if you tell people that you need a specific person and blah blah blah they feel so bad for what you're going through that they actually do it!

Our last day of clinicals we drew all over our scrubs cut them up!!!


Krystal has been an amazing friend! She is always there and willing to go out for a girls night!

She was one of my bridesmaids


It's completely heartbreaking to watch my friend going through such a rough time. I have complete empathy for what she's feeling and the rollercoaster of emotions.


Krystal has 2 kids who my kids love to have come and play. Our families love getting together and we've gone on the Polar Express for the past 2 years together.


I'm going to be out of town for her court date (she actually told me it was a different date and I scheduled to be off work to go with her then but it was moved by the crazy lawyer) So last night we went out with the 2 of us to celebrate her divorce being final next week.

I know that sounds wrong to celebrate a divorce but in a horrible moment like this you have to try and find every positive thing you can. And it's more about celebrating that everything is going to be final, and no more worrying about paperwork!


I won't ever say that I wish this feeling on anyone, nor am I glad at all for what I had to struggle through. But if one of my best friends is going to have to go through this, at least I can offer something. She calls me when other people try to talk her through it. Unless you've been there you don't understand the devastation. And everyone completely means well and you appreciate the love and support that they bring, but sometimes you just need someone who totally knows what you're going through.

I love my friend! I'm so grateful that a million tiny events led up to the two of us meeting!

I'm going out of town for the next 2 weeks! A family vacation to Pagosa Springs, and then AZ for 1 week and hopefully I'll get to be there for Lissy's baby birth!
K

Something good.... Mine and Krystal's divorce party dinner at the Melting Pot was FREE!! Last time we went her boyfriend complained about not receiving his salad and we were given gift cards, so Krystal and I went back without the boys!!!

When you see my face

It's been 8 years.

I don't remember all of the details of the day and I have very few pictures. But every year I would celebrate the day and think I was the luckiest girl in the world for what had happened.

Now I dread it, loathe it, and freak out at even the thought of April 12th

Rex and I were married on April 12th

For 6 years we were married, we had two children, moved 3 times (once to another state) spent 4 years with me in school, had 6 jobs between the 2 of us, went on a cruise, to San Diego, spent a million moments being a happy family

Or so my delusional mind convinced me we were a happy family.

My life was a lie, my world wasn't real. And April 12th just became the representation of how much that world collapsing broke me. It left me alone, with a house, with a 5 year old daughter who was just as hurt as I was, a 2 year old son who began to call all men "Daddy", with a year left in school, with ALL of the debt, ruined credit, the inability to speak, the inability to trust, and the realization that a wound like this would affect me every day for the rest of my life. But it's only a scar that I feel, others don't see the limp and the lingering affects.

He drove away in a brand new red sports car, with my entire movie collection.

I am remarried, to a man who adores me and the kids. He was my friend for a lot of those moments. He's the one I called when I couldn't figure out how to turn on a movie for Becks the day he left, when Beckham only wanted to watch Thomas. He attended Sydnee's kindergarten graduation where her teacher teared up and explained that Sydnee had become happier since Ryan had come around. Who understands that healing didn't just happen the moment the judge in the court room told me I was better off.

I try to mostly focus on my current life, my job, my amazing kids, my work in progress marriage, my great friends, my crazy family

But on April 12th I let myself hurt, I let myself cry. I look at pictures, I talk about him, I even warn him that I am mad, when he tries to be friendly. I listen to angry songs (I have an itunes playlist called "feeling sorry for myself")

I let all the pain out on April 12th, and then on April 13th I hug my children, take a hold of my husband's hand and start breathing again.
K

Something good....to be continued tomorrow

Screaming

When is bad behavior ever considered allowable?

What exactly has to happen to a person for them to be given a moment when they can let their inner brat come out? And is there a time line? Is it if someone does something horrid to you, you may slap them within the next 20 seconds? ORRRRR..... can it be 2 years later and then you unleash the beast?

I belong to a world of Mormon Mommy's. A world where I try to belong and completely believe in and love my church. But sometimes the weight of being "good" all the time when I want to scream just starts to become too much. And sadly when a situation becomes too much and I don't do something I lose my ability to speak (if you don't know the back story, oh well I don't have time to explain it all)

This Mormon blogging world stresses being in desperately love with your hubby, having adorable children with whom you make crafts or cookies everyday, and the uncanny ability for amazing photography. I'm NOT saying I don't envy and strive to fit in to this world. I just sometimes don't. Maybe I grew up different? Nah, totally Mormon fam in Mesa, AZ. Maybe the whole situation that led to my liver failure? I don't know, I've had a lot of hours intense therapy for that (wow I sound crazy) Maybe it's being the "victim" for 10 years? But I got out of that situation....

Whatever it's just me, all the reasons, all the events have led to me wanting one moment to act like a complete brat! To selfishly say all the things I think and lock up. To scream out loud.

And the thought that since I "fixed/replaced/improved/healed...." I am no longer allowed to be angry, to be heartbroken, to even pretend like that person existed.

Tomorrow is April 12, last week was April 1,2 and 3 and in a few weeks it will be Easter. I dread the month of April, I shake even thinking about it and seeing the Easter decorations come out in March. The 12th is the worst, and every previous year I have spent this day hiding and crying by myself. Well, maybe it's growth or just desperation but tomorrow I might let my anger fly. I'll probably still cry, but there might be some relief.
K

Children's Museum

Sometimes, it's not in your best interest to have a friend who is as stubborn as you are.

This friend can make you do things and just generally get into trouble. But to be fair, you do the same for her.

I have one of these friends. My dear Krystal. One of my best friends who I met in nursing school. She is always able to make me go a million different places with her, even when I'm completely exhausted and just want to spend a day laying on the couch! She called last week and decided that we were going to take our kids to the Denver Children's Museum. Sydnee had to go to school since she's going to be missing a few days when we go out of town in a few weeks. But Krystal said we could go while she was at school and be back in time to pick her up, I said I was tired, she said she would get me a Coca-Cola (my true weakness) I said I didn't have a lot of money to spend, she said she would buy me lunch... this conversation lasted for 30 minutes and I ran out of real reasons not to go. I mean, where is the harm in spending a day with Beckham playing? And getting to spend time with one of my best friends??? Yeah no excuse, so off to Denver we went.

I was still kinda protesting so I didn't take my camera... well joke's on me cause now I'm disappointed that I don't have better pics for Beckham.

iPhone camera pics... don't Krystal and I look like angels??? HA!

Mr. Becks with a bubble maker

GRRR, blogspot is not been nice to me lately!

A steam filled bubble fell and popped on his face, he thought it was awesome!

Who would've guessed that Beckham's favorite room was the TRAIN room??? If there had been a pirate room he never would've left

Becks and Kayli having our snacks. We went assuming we would eat lunch there and all they had was juice and yogurt. (don't worry, Costa Vida stop on the way home!)

Beckham, Logan (the monkey) and Kayli

This is a HUGE bubble machine that makes a bubble all around your body

My little man! Thanks Beckham for having such a fun day with Mommy! I LOVE YOU!

He just HAD to have his picture taken with the giant painted cow

This past weekend was conference! I LOVE conference, it just brings a peace into your home hearing the Prophet's words. We went to lunch in between sessions with my sister Kadi.

Uckum sandwich!

The beautiful Sydnee! I still haven't told her about the museum, but I showed up to pick her up from school with an ice cream cone for her. I think she's happy either way!

She has decided that since Mommy wears hats she also needs to wear hats! Isn't she super cute!

Something good.... 2 weeks and then I have 2 weeks of VACATION!!!

K