I have no idea

What exactly did I do this week? Don't know

Actually I have mental pictures in my head, at the court house, work, broadway musical, interview for a new job.... but seriously if you asked me details I couldn't give you any.

I sat tonight and felt suddenly like I woke up. I'm completely exhausted but my brain finally woke up. And what has happened? What happened to my life? And I don't mean the past month, I mean the past 3 years.... When did I quit the hospital? Where did Rex go? Why haven't I been to school in so long? Am I in trouble for missing tests? Um, when did Beckham loose his chubby cheeks? When did Sydnee's legs get so long? What do you mean I'm not friends with Liss? Ryan Jorgensen came back? We couldn't find him for years! How is he?What do you mean he and I are divorcing? How many tattoos do I have now?

This happens occasionally, I almost have an out of body experience combined with amnesia. I wake up, wonder who is in charge of my life, then go back to the robot moving forward.

Right now though, I wish I had answers to some of my questions. Why won't Motrin do something for this constant rockin headache. Why did I bite all my nails off past the quick?

Best question? What is going to happen next?

I have no idea, if you know, please help a girl out!

I need a hug, too bad I hate people touching me.


Something good.... I wish I had something I could focus on and write here right now, but seriously if this headache doesn't abate soon, I won't be able to complete a sentence.
K

Hawaiian Roller coaster ride

I've taught a hula to the Lilo and Stitch song Hawaiian Roller coaster Ride so many times that I can't even think the word roller coaster without the song playing in my head.

Anyway, I'm on a roller coaster, and I'm kinda getting motion sickness. One moment I'm ready to conquer the world, the next I'm begging people to show me love. I'm crying, then I'm angry, then I'm hopeful, then I'm think of doing something completely irrational.... I cannot stop, I cannot hold still, I'm exhausted.

I got off work at 6am this morning, I was awake and not going back to sleep by 9am. Not by real choice but because I kept having nightmares about him that made me wake up with an anxiety attack twice, after the second nightmare I decided to face my real life nightmare and get up.

I'm grateful for my family. For parents who come over just to be supportive and helpful, for sisters that try to be there, for random brother in laws that let me know I still have family. I'm strangely grateful for my children's father for making sure I don't forget I'm a wonderful mother and making sure the children know they're loved. I'm grateful for my dog who if given a chance will never leave my side. I'm grateful for kids who find such joy over gurgling blue mouthwash. I'm grateful for my ward family that is always is happy to pick up my slack and help with my children. I'm grateful it's almost spring because I love planting flowers. I'm grateful I at least can financially support my family myself....

A little bit better, still up and down but hoping this ride will even out soon.


Let's get pumpin surfs up and jumpin, coastin with the motion of the ocean, whirlpool swirling, cascading twirling....

Never Thought

I never thought you would refuse to answer your phone
I never thought I wouldn't be able to tell you about my day
I never thought you would purposely try to make situations more difficult
I never thought I would have to feel afraid of you
I never thought I would cry myself to sleep over you
I never thought I would lose my friend
I never thought you wouldn't be their dad

I just never thought you would be the enemy against me. But where's my alternate past version of you to be supportive and help me through every day?


Something good.... There are some amazing angel women in my ward who are so supportive, helpful and loving. I appreciate already what they're doing for me.
K

I cry when I'm angry

I've been crying a lot. Hurt, scared, having absolute moments of panic. This isn't my first rodeo, we all know I've been here before. I had 3 specific friends (4 for a little while) that I turned to.

Krystal pulled me through school. She is the reason I graduated and I am a nurse now. She always demands that I can do my best. She's the friend when I need to go have fun and forget whatever is hurting me. She always takes time to be there if I need her. She never ever judges my bad behavior and is just supportive of me.

Lisa is my cheerleader through every moment. Our late night talking sessions in her front room is where I've decided some major life decisions. She brought me a Mother's Day gift the first year after Rex was gone. She will go out of her way and do anything for me. Everyone deserves a Lisa in their life. I called her every night, every single night. And each weekend it was an assumed what are WE going to do (including her hubby and kids) I can't even count the number of times I was a 3rd wheel on her and hubby dates, but they always welcomed me, always talked to me. She was heaven sent to be my angel to get me through.

Over the phone I had a best friend who always knew when I needed to talk. We used to joke that he must have a camera installed watching me because the moments when I would lose it and start sobbing immediately my phone would ring and it would be him. I would spend hours talking with him, he's who I turned to to remind myself there were still things like movies and a world outside my pain. I trusted him over any other guy, I would spend all of my time with him when I was in AZ. He was easy going, he was supportive, he made me laugh. We were friends, truly honestly only friends. And I cherished him, cherished that friend. I turned to him when I needed someone to remind me that I was still young, I was still going to have a life. He talked me through asking out my first guy, he made my dream come true by taking me to Wicked, he was always there for me. Not everyone gets the friend who truly loves and adores you without needing reciprocation like we felt for each other. I miss him desperately.

Desperately, unable to breathe I am so angry and crying. Where did he go? I see no signs of my friend. I knew things were going to be difficult for us. I still wasn't over R and that was always a big problem we had to deal with. But I had faith, I had hope that this best friend who was always so understanding and who I trusted more than any other person would hold my hand and we would go through life together. Our beautiful, treasured friendship just multiplied.

I stand with my hand empty, with no sign of my friend.

Something good....Sometimes I want to punch this "something good" thing right in the face! Ummm... since Kona (dog) was taken, my dog Daisy has been more calm and affectionate.

K

Stage face

There is an unspoken rule, if you're going to see someone you don't want to see, you look your very best. So what if that is the whole world? What if I don't want to see anyone? I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for a few months. But apparently I'm still a good Mommy, a responsible working Mommy. So every morning I get up and keep marching on. I make sure my hair is done, make up, actually put on REAL clothes.... It's all a facade, I look like this

I feel like this.

I really want to scream and yell! WHY?!?! Why this, AGAIN? Do you not realize I'm not healed yet and now I have more wounds. But this time it's added that Becks is affected. My always ALWAYS happy little boy is over-emotional. Crying at school, crying because he needed to put pants on. Very unusual for his sunny little personality. And it breaks my heart. It's to put me through this, to lie and treat me that way, I will be able to survive eventually, but you knowingly dragged my CHILDREN into it. My babies who you KNEW how very hard I had worked to protect them and keep them happy. They deserved better. I'm sure intentions were noble, but the actions and persona portrayed were not. And yet I'm still sad. The slide show on my computer shows pictures of a happy bride, filled with hope. That her largest trial and suffering were over, she was getting to complete her family, she was getting a partner. She was 3 weeks later going to lose that smile once she realized the truth and replace it with determination to work to bring that dream back. On Valentine's Day, while making an effort to do something nice, she finally lost her determination. She lost her drive and hope.

I want a complete family, I am not any different than most girls. I want a husband who is my partner, who's hot, and loves me, and always takes out the trash, who treats our children well, won't mind if we listen to musicals in the car, will love my through my crazy moments....I want a marriage that is eternal.

I want children, I have felt for almost 2 years that I have more children waiting for me. Sorry kiddos, Mommy's kinda busy right now, but she's been trying. I want family vacations. I want to be safe, I want to trust my partner, I want peace in my home, I want to be adored and not called names.

I am by no way guiltless in this situation, I admit and accept my every part. But as sad as I am, I can hold my head up. I can feel proud of myself. I've chosen not to regret anymore. I will look at that bride with tears of happy memories, and let her know it's time to keep marching on.

Something good....My Mom has been really supportive when I really need it. Just calling to check how I am, taking the kids so I can sleep before work, just helping and taking care of me. Love you Mom.

K

Down for maintenance

I need a project. Something I can devote myself to and focus on. For so long it was school, but I graduated. I keep focusing on the kids but they look at me like I need to get out of their faces. My house is clean, organized, there is nothing to do.

I need a hobby, I need to accomplish something. Keep my mind busy.

Also, I need to not be asked to make decisions. I have no brain power to decide where to go to dinner or even what shoes I should get for Becks. My decision making ability has temporarily been shut down, I wish I could say for maintenance, but I think it's for severe dysfunction for who knows how long? Maybe it's not even temporary. Maybe it's gone, from here on out I won't be able to decide whether or not to get a new stereo for the car? The radio drives me insane, but having to choose a stereo to install is beyond my capabilities.

So apparently, I need a hobby and I need someone else to tell me what it should be.


Something good.... I got new buttons for my car's AC. They had broken off years go and I got sick of looking at the metal. $15 later, new buttons!
K

Time Travel

I reread kandthekids from time to time. I remind myself how far I've come, what I've gone through. While it always makes me cry to remember that time, I cherish that I recorded those moments. They help and inspire me. I forced myself to do that, everyday for a very long time, I forced myself to record how I was doing. I guess I'm forcing again.

I'm here in the current, home quiet, peace surrounded, yet I'm also living 2 years ago. Two children, in my home, all alone. I enjoy being alone and at the same time I hate it. There is a different dog trying to get my attention, the children are older, I'm ordering the same pizza dinner, so much is different but a lot of this feels so familiar.

I woke up today fighting tears, going to go home and see the evidence of one less person. Feel the loss of someone who takes more pieces of me than they realize. I had to come home and clean again. My home is more organized and clean than it has been in years, all the laundry done, dishes, kitchen, beds made... I have to create order and peace when I feel internally out of control. Right now all I feel is loss, I feel scared of what's ahead, and I'm trying to just live in this moment. Not travel to moments past, not jump forward to the next. Mourn now, mourn the hopes, the plans, the broken promises. Just be allowed to grieve.


Something good... Whole Foods has a fire roasted salsa that's just as good as any restaurant!
K